I'm going to have to write a book

Hi, everybody. The Fun Dude Blog is dead in the water. I'm back on the ship working 7 days a week, from early in the morning to late at night.

Although I actually do have time to write every day, I don't have the time necessary to post a polished entry every day.

I've been on the Ship since the 17th and I'm way behind and stressing out. So what I'm going to do is continue to write about ship life, but eliminate the pressure of posting to the Web. ALl writing is rewriting, so I'm simply too much of a perfectionist to write quick entries and post them immediately.

Instead I'm going to write a rough draft of my book while onboard, then polish it during my next vacation.

The sad thing is, I'm so busy on the ship and having such a tough time adjusting, I would really love to share my adventures with everyone. But I need the freedom to write quickly and sloppily for my first draft, and I wouldn't have that luxury were I to publish to the Web on a daily basis.

So the Adventures of The Fun Dude will become a reality, just as a book instead of a blog.

Thanks,

Jeff the Fun Dude

So Organized It's a Crime

Friday, May 15th: Two Days Left on Land

I've made my decision.

I'm going back on The Ship.

The Fun Dude shall return.

My teammates have been working overtime for two reasons:

1. They are a host short. (That would be me.)
2. They're working an extra sea day since Mexico has been taken off the itinerary thanks to the Swine Flu.

Everyone's counting on me, so I'm going to toughen up, leave my personal problems on land and go have some fun.

That said,I'm still very anxious and stressed about being ready on time, so I decided to to do something about that, too. I decided to pay my land lady Beth, who is a personal organizing specialist by trade, to help me get ready to ship out.

It cost me close to half a week's pay for her to help me for four hours. We went through all my crap, donated stuff to Goodwill, organized and packed everything. She even helped me make a list of everything I need to do to be ready by Sunday afternoon:

SHOPPING: TOILETRIES

1. Razors
2. Toothbrush
3. Toothpaste
4. Q-Tips
5. Ear plugs
6. Travel-size cans of shaving cream

SHOPPING: OTHER ITEMS

1. Goatee trimmer
2. Flashlight (for getting dressed in morning while roomate is sleeping in)
3. Socks/T-shits/underwear
4. Workout shorts
5. Dress shirts and ties
6. White noise machine

COMPUTER & DESK WORK

1. Call Office Depot, order Fun Dude business cards to pass out to guests
2. Back up computer files
3. Clean up computer desktop and file folders
4. Finish all music and movie downloads
5. Read and write e-mails
6. Order new contact lenses
7. Order digital downloads of USA Today to read on ship
8. Download podcasts to listen to on ship

FUN DUDE TASKS

1. Write some new trivia questions
2. Burn some more "Name That Song" CD's
3. Design NTS answer sheets
4. Transfer needed files to flash drive

STANDUP COMEDY

1. Finish joke writing assignments for two friends of mine
2. Finalize my set list (I open for the fly-on comedians) for my first cruise
3. Finish blog entries
4. Try to submit a couple of rants to http://www.thegloomers.com/

ERRANDS/CHORES

1. Mail stuff home
2. Mail Tim Dorsey novel to my friend Stanley who is a big Carl Hiaasen fan. Carl is funny, but Tim is funnier!
3. PAY BETH FOR HER SERVICES (Capitals are hers!)
4. Pickup uniforms from dry cleaners
5. Finish packing
6. Try not to go insane!
7. Try even harder not to go insane!
8. Admit I'm already insane and eat an entire box of Hostess Ho-Ho's

As you can see I have a lot of work to do (and a lot of Ho-Ho's to eat), so I better get crackin'.

This will be my last blog post until I'm back on The Ship.

Wish me luck. My teammates are going to need it.

The Fun Dude's Dilemma

Tuesday, May 12: Five Days Left on Land

As excited as I was about the prospect of moving to L.A. and “going for it,” I went to bed last night at peace with my decision to
honor my commitment and report for duty on The Ship this Sunday for another six-month hitch as “The Fun Dude.”

The L.A. Comedy Scene has waited 22 years for me to arrive, it can wait another six months.

I need to work another contract, save some more cash, buy a car and formulate a plan. Besides being an entertainment host aboard a cruise ship is a blast and I’m great at it.

But as soon as I woke up this morning I realized there was more to my reluctance to go back to sea than some confusion over what direction I want to take my life and career in.

I had a major league panic attack this morning. My hands were shaking. I couldn’t breathe. The thought of having to spend the next six months sharing a tiny cabin with another man, working 10 hours a day on five hours of sleep and not having adequate time to myself to pursue my goals as a writer and a performer filled me with dread.

But to be perfectly honest, it all comes down to sharing a cabin. Part of the reason I never moved to L.A. in the past is I couldn’t picture myself sharing an house or apartment with another person. Now here I am in my 40’s having to share a tiny room with another dude on an opposite work schedule from mine and sleeping in the top bunk—the new guy, which I’ll be, always gets the top bunk!

For six months!

Each cabin has one set of bunk beds. One desk one chair. Which means onl one of you can set up our laptop at the same time. And each cabin has only one clothes locker. Each crew member gets half of it to stuff all his belongings in. Everything except his suitcase. Those we store in the middle of the cabin or off to one side for the duration of the contract. That’s right, you have to live with your suitcases right there with you.

For six months!

Today I realized that I simply did not recover from the trauma of sharing a cabin with a roommate from hell during my last contract. I roomed with the karaoke host and although we became great friends, I woke up at six in the morning and he slept till 2 p.m. It was an absolute nightmare sharing a cabin together. I could not get more than 4 hours of sleep a night. And some days I worked from 9 a.m. until 1 a.m. with few breaks.

So I was totally freaking out today and simply did not think I could handle life at sea—no matter how much I love my job—for six hours, let alone for six months.

What should I do, should I show up at the pier on the 17th, knowing I might go completely nuts or pack up my crap and move to L.A. and start following my dream?

Go to L.A. with no car, no job, no health insurance and a savings account depleted by a four-month hiatus between contracts and a credit card with two grand worth of debt on it? Or get back on The Ship and live rent-free, eat free food, enjoy free healthcare, have fun and save up some more money?

It would be a no-brainer if it weren’t for the cabin situation. I love being The Fun Dude but I simply can’t perform at my best if I don’t get my rest and privacy.

Will it be better this time? Will I luck out and get a great roommate? Will I kick butt on the job, meet a lot of great people and walk of the ship six months from now knowing in my heart that The Ship is where I truly belong?

Emotionally drained and still shaking, I decide to call The Boss at the Company in Miami and come clean about my misgivings. The Boss is a super smart and ultra sensitive guy who worked the ships for years as a dancer and is a fountain of wisdom when it comes to ship life.

Although I knew that calling him and being totally honest was the right thing to do, I didn’t realize how understanding and how accommodating The Boss would be.

The Company is a great cruise line to work for. Every superior I’ve ever dealt with over the past two years has shown genuine warmth and support anytime I asked for help with a problem. Hotel Directors. Captains. Head Pursers. Talent Bookers. Cruise Directors. Assistant Cruise Directors. I’ve yet to meet one person in authority over me that doesn’t work their butts off and doesn’t do whatever they can to look out for their subordinates.

So I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when The Boss talked me down off the ledge by telling me how much I mean to the Company and that we have several options. I can either give it a shot and see how it works out or postpone my contract until I feel I can handle it. Should I choose the former, I’d be free to take a leave of absence should ship life prove to be too much for me. And then be welcome back anytime. Should I choose the latter, there would be no strike against my record.

Then The Boss surprised me again. He told me to take a day or too to think it over. He also gave me his private cell number just in case I was freaking out after hours and needed to talk.

Wow!

I feel better now. Think I’ll walk down to the donut shop and swallow a custard éclair whole.

The Fun Dude Goes Hollywood, Act 3

Monday, May 11th: Six Days Left on Land

“Jeff the Fun Dude, come on down!”

11:00 a.m.

I’ve been looking forward to today for three weeks. My old road buddy Drew Carey set me up with two tickets for “The Price is Right” and “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson” so I’m meeting my friend, the actor Ted Lyde, for breakfast in a few minutes. We’ll have to eat quickly because we need to be at the artist entrance at CBS Television City at 11:45.

Over a meal of cinnamon pancakes and breakfast quesadillas, I tell Ted that I plan on sniffing around at CBS and learning how one goes about getting a job as a production assistant or intern, the two most common inroads into the world of show business.

Ted tells me that now is a bad time to be looking for an entry into the industry because production is way down in Hollywood due to the economy. He suggests I go back on the ship as planned in six days, save up some more money, finish up my various writing projects, then come back next year with more money in the bank and, hopefully, more opportunities for schmoozing myself into an entry level job with a network or production company. Ted’s been supporting himself as an actor for over ten years but hasn’t booked a commercial since February and hasn’t been on an audition for two weeks. In fact, he’s now working a couple of nights a week as a bouncer in Venice Beach until more acting jobs roll in. (Or should I say “role” in—bada bing, bada boom!)

I tell him I’m inclined to agree with him. But then I tell him about my experience hanging out in Hollywood last night with my friend Vinnie Coppola, a comic from Florida who made the Big Move in January with only his car, $1,300 in cash and sporadic bookings on the road. Within two days of arriving in LA, Vinnie had a studio apartment and a set at a local comedy night. Within four months, he had already made two TV appearances, become a paid regular at two major clubs and was hooked into the comedy scene enough to perform every night of the week if he wanted to. Vinnie knows I’m a hard worker just like him so he told me that if I do decide to move to LA instead of getting on the ship next week, he’ll help me establish myself in record time.

Vinnie picked me up last night around 6:30 and we drove down to the IO West Improv Theater on Hollywood Blvd. We walked the strip, where I took a picture of Drew Carey’s star on the Walk of Fame, had some pizza, then watched two great shows. The first was a sketch competition called “Sketch Cage Match” and the second was a show called “Top News Story” wherein the actors and writers produce a new show from scratch every week based entirely on the top news stories of the previous seven days. Each week they feature a different guest comedian, so I had the pleasure of introducing Vinnie to another friend of mine, the great Emo Philips, who is both one of the greatest joke writers in the world. Back in the early 90’s when I told Emo that he was the reason I got into comedy, he shot back, “Sure—blame ME!”

After the show, we hung out with Emo a bit then headed over to the world famous Comedy Store to watch some of the local comics work out some new material. A friend of Vinnie’s went up, did a killer set in front of four people, then gave me a tour of the club and made me feel welcome.

So as our waiter pours us more coffee, I explain to Ted that hanging with Vinnie last night taught me that if I’m willing to hustle and knock on doors, I could probably establish myself in the LA comedy scene rather quickly. But since all gigs in LA are non-paying gigs, I’d still have to figure out how to support myself. So I’m still not convinced I should go back on the ship as planned and do my best to deal with the difficulties of ship life. Especially, when I actually love the job itself.

After we pay the bill, I follow Ted down Beverly Drive to CBS Television City. Television City is the sprawling headquarters for CBS located between Beverly and Fairfax in downtown Los Angeles, right next to Farmer’s Market. Television City is the former home of the “The Carol Burnett Show” and “Sonny and Cher” as well as the current home of “The Price is Right,” “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson,” “Dancing with the Stars” and “American Idol.”

11:45 a.m.

The guards at the gate are very nice and found our names on the list right away. After parking our cars, Ted and I meet up at the artist entrance to CBS where our CBS Page, Cathie, writes our names on those big yellow “The Price Is Right” name tags.”

12:00 Noon

Ted and I are both surprised how small the TPIR studio is in person and how dreary and worn all the set dressings look. But that’s Hollywood for you. Cheap Styrofoam props look like gleaming chrome and steel on TV and the camera can make the tiniest studio look like a huge auditorium. The show airs May 26th so I’m curious as to how gleamy, chromey and spacious the camera makes me look.

12:15 p.m.

The show starts and we all go crazy as announcer Rich Fields introduces Drew and then the taping goes exactly as I expected: some really nice people win some cool prizes, but no one really cleans up. One woman wins a car and you can tell she really needs it so I get kind of choked up when Drew starts talking to her during the commercial break and she starts crying.

Drew isvery funny both during the show and during the commercials. Between games, he interviews the contestants, fields questions from the audience and riffs on the chances of the Cavs wining the NBA finals.

After the taping, Drew’s assistant escorts me and Ted from our seats in the second row to the side of the stage to meet up with Drew. Because he has another taping in a couple of hours, he can’t spare a lot of time, but we exchange road stories for a few minutes, then head over to the set to snap a couple of pictures.

1:30 p.m.

We’ve got two hours until “Craig Ferguson” so we amble over to the CBS commissary for some coffee and a snack and to chat with one of the production assistants I recognized from TPIR.

While we were waiting to be escorted up to the “Late Late Show” studios, I decide to do some detective work and find out a little information about the CBS Page program. I chatted with one of the pages, poked my head into the HR department and introduced myself and even arranged a few minutes of face time with the Page Supervisor, explaining my interest in making the transition from “The Fun Dude” to “Jeff the Middle-Aged Page.” (Look out, “Kenneth” from “30 Rock,” I’m coming to get ya!!)

Page Supervisor was the sweetest woman. She gave me her card, some words of encouragement and asked me to submit my resume. I learned that being a page for CBS is only a part-time position that pays around 10 bucks an hour, but it’s a job I would be great and and enjoy tremendously. It’s also a perfect way to get my foot in the door within the industry.

3:15 p.m.

We walk off the CBS lot wearing our day passes so Ted can show me around Farmer’s Marke, which is an upscale outdoor shopping and dining complex right next door to CBS.

Then it’s back to the Television City and hanging out in the green room backstage at “Craig Ferguson.” Ted and I are treated to brownies and cookies and free drinks and even get to meet Henry Wrinkler and Steven Wright, both guests on tonight’s show.

A few minutes before call time, one of the production assistants takes our cameras and cell phones from us and then leads us into the studio to our reserved seats. Feeling like big shots, we eat free candy and laugh our heads off at the show.

6:00 p.m.

Everything about tonight’s show was awesome. The warm-up comedian, “Chunky B” was awesome. Craig’s monologue was awesome. The interviews were awesome.

And the fact that I was walking back to my car with the mailing address of the talent booker for “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson” in my pocket was REALLY awesome!

9:00 p.m.

Just got home to my place in San Diego. On the drive back from Los Angeles, I called my friend Jeff, who is the owner of a comedy club in Pittsburgh and used to be Drew Carey’s manager back in the late 80’s.
As excited as I am about moving to LA and becoming “Jeff the Middle-Aged Page,” Jeff helped convince me that the best thing for me to do would be to set aside all my personal issues and find the energy to get back on The Ship this upcoming Sunday as planned.

“LA will always be there,” he said. “Make some money, make some plans, THEN make your way back to LA.”

9:30 p.m.

I’m so tired I’m not even going to stay up to watch “Ferguson.”

If I’m going to be on The Ship as it sails out of San Diego this Sunday, I’ve got a lot of things to do tomorrow and need to get up early.

The Fun Dude Goes Hollywood, Act 2

Saturday, May 9th: Eight Days Left on Land

“To Sea or Not to Sea, That Is the Question!”

10:00 a.m.

I’ve got a lot to see today. And a lot to think about. Although I’ve been on hiatus for four months and should be looking forward to returning to sea next Sunday, I’m not rested or relaxed in the least. From the moment I moved into my rented room in San Diego on Feb 1st after a fun but challenging six months at sea, until the moment I drove into Los Angeles yesterday afternoon, I’ve been chained to my computer working on my one-man-show, writing new standup material for myself and other comics, getting my MySpace page and blog together, submitting rants to http://www.thegloomers.com/. If it weren’t for my daily one-hour walks to the beach and back, I’d be a basket case.

I love working on The Ship so much, but logging long hours seven days a week on five hours sleep and having to share a tiny cabin with another person is downright brutal. Yes, it’s worth it. But still it’s brutal. If I wanted to return to The Ship refreshed I should have spent the last four months sleeping and exercising.

So, I’ve been hustling ever since I got off The Ship, trying to get back into comedy full time so I have another option should I decide I can’t handle another contract as The Fun Dude.

Add in the fact that I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal and family issues I don’t feel like writing about just yet, and I simply am not in the right mental place for returning to the emotionally challenging and physically demanding life as The Fun Dude.

Financially speaking, I should have went back to sea two months ago. I’ve been blowing through my savings at a frightening pace, don’t own a car and no longer have health insurance. I didn’t realize it would take me so long to go back to work, so I only bought three months’ worth of vacation health coverage from The Company.

10:30 a.m.

OK, I’ve spent a half hour soul searching in the front seat of my rental car instead of sightseeing. I’ve got a lot of stuff planned so I better get started. I reach into the back seat and grab the itinerary I printed out on Google Maps a couple nights ago.

As I explore Los Angels today, every stop on my sightseeing trip will remind me that I have a very difficult decision to make: “To Sea or Not to Sea.”

10:45 a.m.

Musonia School of Music on Tiara Street in West Hollywood. (Not even two miles from where I’m staying.)

This is the famous music store and school once owned by Delores Rhodes, the mother of the late heavy metal guitar hero Rhandy Rhodes. This is where Rhandy taught guitar before joining Ozzy Osbourne’s band in 1980.

In 1982, Rhandy died in a tragic plane crash in Florida while in the middle of a very successful tour.

Voice in My Head: “Life is short. Make sure you spend it doing what you really and truly love to do and don’t spend one second being unhappy.”

11:00 a.m.

The Hollywood Bowl:


Voice in My Head: “If I move to LA instead of getting on The Ship, I would have the time to see a lot of concerts here. I just wouldn’t have the money. So maybe I need to go back to work for a year or two and save every penny, then come back to LA better prepared."

11: 20 a.m.

The legendary Samuel French Bookstore on Sunset Blvd.:

They have just about every book ever written about acting, directing and writing for TV, film, and the theater. I pick up two books: one on writing a one-man show, the other about breaking into voice-over work.

Voice in My Head: “If I move to LA, I’ll be able to work a day job and spend my evenings taking acting classes and writing workshops while breaking into the local comedy scene."

12:00 Noon

Runyon Canyon Park:

I’m having a complete nervous breakdown. I have eight days before I get back on the ship and something’s telling me to just pack up my stuff and move to LA instead.

But I love being the Fun Dude and have a lot of people counting on me. My friends back on The Ship have been overworked and under-staffed and are patiently awaiting The Return of The Fun Dude!”

But my roommate situation last contract really messed me up in the head and I simply have no idea how I can live on a ship again for six months in a tiny cabin with no sleep and no privacy. Plus I would have limited Internet access, limited TV, limited reading time, and very little time or energy for working on my standup act or writing this blog. My Cruise Director is very supportive and gives me free reign to do standup on The Ship, but I believe that when I’m working for someone else, the job comes first. So when I get back on The Ship, I have to be ready to put my own goals aside and give everything I have to entertaining the guests and supporting my teammates.

Yet, every fiber of my being is telling me to risk everything and head back up to LA next Sunday instead of getting on the ship. The Ship is an awesome place to work, but the thought of living on at sea for six months has me wanting to lie down on a park bench and cry.

Voice in My Head: "Help!!!"

Before heading off to the next spot on my sightseeing list, I call up three of my comedy buddies here in LA and ask them to help me start coming up with a plan for moving up next week.

In less than an hour, I have a place to stay, a car to borrow, a way to get health coverage, a line on getting into the local clubs and some leads on day jobs. So now maybe I'll go broke in four months instead of three.

2:00 p.m.

The La Brea Tar Pits:

I’ve been fascinated with the La Brea Tar Pits ever since I was a kid.

Now that I’m an adult, I’m equally annoyed that “la brea” is Spanish for “the tar,” so when I say “The La Brea Tar Pits,” I’m actually saying, “The ‘the tar’ Tar Pits.”

Voice in My Head: “What if I move to Los Angeles and then find myself being sucked into a black, sticky tar pit of dashed hopes and broken dreams and wind up as some middle-age fossil on display at the Los Angeles Museum of Failed Comedians Who Give Up a Fun Job on a Cruise Ship That Allows Them to Live and Eat Expense Free and Save Up All Their Money Instead of Moving to Hollywood at the Washed-Up Aged of 43 and Going Broke in Three Months?

3:00 p.m.

Santa Monica:

I’d like to park the rental car and walk over to the famous Santa Monica Pier, but traffic is horrendous so I drive around just long enough to take a picture of the Santa Monica Civic Center. Van Halen used to sellout this 3,000-seat venue back in the good ol’ days before they even had a record deal.

Voice in My Head: “Do you realize you just drove an hour in Saturday-afternoon traffic just so you could take a picture of a venue Van Halen played over 30 years ago? Why don’t you just drive your rental car off the pier and put yourself out of your misery once and for all?”

3:15 p.m.

Malibu:

I take Pacific Coast Highway 1 to Malibu and stop at the Getty Villa in Pacific Palisades only to find out I needed to make a reservation first in order to see the museum.

Voice in My Head: “See how important planning ahead is? Maybe you should go back to The Ship, save your money, then move to LA when you’ve had ample time to plan and prepare.”

8:00 p.m.

Mulholland Highway, Calabasas:

Earlier this afternoon I took the N-9 north from Malibu and then picked up the Mulholland Freeway through Calabasas and accidentally went the wrong away. Although it was one of the most beautiful drives I’ve ever taken in my life—the mountains, the trees, the mansions—I wound up back in Malibu where I started two hours later instead of getting back to my friend Stanley’s apartment in time for dinner.

Exhausted from a day of sightseeing and soul searching I lie down for what I hope will be a half-hour map before hitting the nightclubs on the Sunset Strip, but instead wind up sleeping till nine o’ clock in the morning.

Voice in My Head: “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….”

The Fun Dude Goes Hollywood, Act 1

Friday May 8th: Nine Days Left on Land
"To Boldly Go Where No Fun Dude Has Gone Before"
8:00 a.m.

Today's the day. I've been a standup comic for 22 years and today will be my first time in L.A. (Hey, when I chase a dream, I don't screw around!)

Enterprise Rental Car is supposed to be here in 15 minutes and I'm nowhere near ready. I've spent the last 30 minutes rolled up in a ball on the floor, waiting for my suitcase to pack itself. I was hoping to be on the road by 8:30 but I was up till four in the morning printing out Google directions to just about every major landmark and point of interest in Los Angeles. Now the only place I feel like going is back to bed.

9:30 a.m.
Pulling out of the Enterprise parking lot in a silver Pontiac G6. They gave me a great deal: Friday-Tues, full insurance coverage, unlimited mileage, $168. They even threw in a cassette player. Too bad I left my Motley Crue tapes back in the 80's. Which means I'll have to cruise the Sunset Strip listening to NPR. How “43” of me.

9:45 a.m.

"Welcome to Office Depot. How can I help you?"

"You can tell me my business cards are ready just like you promised."

"Sorry, the printer jammed before we could finish your order and we couldn't find the manual."

"Too bad you don't have one of those 'Easy' buttons."

"That's Staples."

"My point, exactly."

Perfect! I'm performing a standup set at the House of Blues tonight for a roomful of industry people and no business cards. Nothing says "Boat Act" like jotting your e-mail address down on a napkin.

10:00 a.m.
The plan was to drive around San Diego for a couple of hours before heading up to L.A., but I'm way behind schedule. So I only have time for a quick stop at La Jolla High School. Why? Because that's where Stephen Pearcy, Robin Crosby and Warren DiMartini of Ratt went. What? You didn't know that? And you call yourself a hair metal fan?

Shame! Shame! Shame!

"To the Bat Cave!"

2:00 p.m

Just when you thought I had no life--surprise! I'm a huge fan of the "Batman" show from the 60's! Ever since I was a kid I've been obsessed with the Bat Cave. And ever since I went online two years ago and discovered that the "entrance" to the Bat Cave is one of three actual caves in Hollywood's Griffith Park called "Bronson Caves," I've been obsessed with making the pilgrimage.

For last year's vacation I went to Machu Picchu in Peru. I was never so excited in my life. Until now. How pathetic is that? I stood among the ruins of one of the seven wonders of the world and here I am more excited about seeing an exterior location from a 1960's TV show. A “library shot” they filmed in just one day and then inserted into every episode.

Just like Batman had Robin, I had a sidekick today. My buddy Kirk Noland is a former standup comic and comedy club booker from Detroit who has been in Hollywood for five years and is a successful TV producer and editor.

Kirk showed me around Griffith Park, took me up to the observatory where we took pictures and had lunch, then it was off to the Bat Cave.

The Bronson Caves ( http://www.seeing-stars.com/Locations/BronsonCaves.shtml ) are not on the main reservation of Griffith Park, so we had to drive back down into Hollywood and make our way to Canyon Drive via Hollywood Boulevard. As we drove, Kirk answered my questions about life in LA and helped me draw up a battle plan for my eventually moving here and taking my comedy career to the next level.

Although I like being The Fun Dude, life on a cruise ship is brutally tough and I’m very conflicted about going back to sea on the 17th. For the first time in my life, I feel undaunted by the prospect of living in Los Angeles and feel like I actually belong here. This feeling will only get stronger as the weekend progresses.

The section of Griffith Park where we’ll find the Bat Cave is at the end of a residential area. We park the car, grab Kirk’s HD video camera (I’ll post video and stills once Kirk has the time to get them to me) and head up the trail. It takes about five minutes to get to the Cave. Kirk is taping me as I pretend to be a host for the Travel Channel doing a piece on famous movie locations for middle-aged comedians who’ll probably never grow up.

As we come around the bend on the gravel road, the area becomes very familiar to me. This whole canyon has been filmed in dozens of westerns and several Star Trek Episodes.

The Bat Cave itself is actually a tunnel that goes through to the other side of the mountain. The tunnel is barely wide enough to accommodate a Camry let alone a Batmobile. What the TV crew did back in the day was gently back the Batmobile into the tunnel, then drive it out slowly. When the editor sped up the film and added the turbo engine sound effects, it looked as if if Batman and Robin were racing out of the Bat Cave at breakneck speed. (I wish I could have used that technology on the 405!)

That’s Hollywood for you. Everything’s an illusion. Nothing is real. Which means you can make anything happen. So I wonder if my fear of not being able to make it in Los Angeles has been an illusion as well. Thanks to Kirk’s insight into how the game is played in LA, I’m started to feel I made a huge mistake by not moving here in the 90’s. You can either get lucky and hit it big, or you can go broke and move back home to Ohio and live with your parents. But you won’t know until you move here and give it a shot.

As we walk back down the trail to the Fun Dude Mobile, I start to get really excited about my comedy set at the House of Blues on Sunset Blvd. tonight. I start to visualize what it would be like to move here next week instead of getting on The Ship. I start to visualize all the steps I would need to follow and all the sacrifices I would have to make to get myself up here and start paying my Hollywood dues.

Yet I’m going back to sea nine days from now for six months and will be able to eat for free, save up another six grand or so and enjoy full health coverage for the duration of my contract. And since I’ve already been on hiatus in San Diego for almost four months, using my savings to cover rent and groceries, I’m not really in the financial position to make my move just yet.

Living in San Diego is incredibly expensive, but my last contract was very difficult for me due to problems with my roommate and a work schedule that double my hour, so I really needed to take care of myself for a few months.

But if I were to say goodbye to ship life, I would have to move up to LA without a job, without a car, and without as big of a nest egg as I would have had had I not just spent four months on hiatus without any money coming in.

Yet something tells me I shouldn't get back on the ship. Yet I love being the Fun Dude and people are counting on me.

Man, I've never felt so confused and conflicted in my life. (Except for this morning when the kid at Starbucks asked if I wanted whole milk or soy.)

So as Kirk and I hurry back down the trail—we need to pick his Corvette up from the service garage and then head over to the House of Blues for the http://www.thegloomers.com/ launch party at six—I think to myself, “You know, I just made my childhood dream come true by seeing the entrance to the Bat Cave. So now it’s time to make my adulthood dreams come true by moving to LA and see what opportunities I can create for myself.”

But as soon we get back down to the rental car, another voice in my head says, “Yeah, well what if moving to LA turns out to be just like the entrance to the Bat Cave and winds up leading nowhere?”

I need to shut my brain off for a few hours. This trip was supposed to be fun.

7:30 p.m.

Kirk and I cruise the Sunset Strip in his pearl white Corvette, smoking cigars and taking in the sites. We're on our way to the House of Blues on Sunset Blvd. for the launch party for a humorous social networking site called http://www.thegloomers.com/ . If you'd like to check out a few of my contributions to the site, my video rants and written essays are archived at http://www.myspace.com/jeffthejokewriter.

As we make our way west on Sunset Boulevard, Kirk points out a few of the sites. We pass

the Riot House (the rock and roll hotel featured in the movie Almost Famous)...

And a few comedy clubs that have no idea I even exist...

9:00 p.m.
Not only is the Gloomers party a lot of fun, I got a chance to go "onstage" in front of a jaded Hollywood audience for the first time. I'm using quotations because I actually stood in a dark corner of the HOB's Foundation Room in front of a small JBL speaker on a stand. This is typical of the types of gigs I'll pay my dues in once I move to L.A.

Ten years ago I would have been too freaked out to perform a set under these conditions, but this time I just went up there and let it rip. I talked about my midlife crisis and life on the cruise ship as the Fun Dude and basically just kept it real. My punch lines all hit rather well, and I had a lot of people giving me kudos at the bar later on, so I was pretty happy.

In order to be successful as a comic in Los Angeles, you have to keep it real. Talk about things from your life, use a normal tone of voice and pretend like you're sitting across the table from one person, just chatting. Of course, your jokes have to be stronger than average and you have to know what you're doing.

A lot of my comedy friends are here tonight: Mike Lukas, Jeff Jena, Pete George. The more I talk to them, the more I feel like I belong in LA. Pete George's girlfriend, Debbie, is a literary agent so we spend over an hour talking about show business, screenwriting and the importance of my being in LA if I want to take my comedy or writing career to the next level.

The reason a stand-up comic can't be "discovered" on the road is, in Hollywood, agents and producers see a funny guy and think, "This guy's great, how can we make him a huge success so we can all--he and us-- get rich?" On the road, agents and producers see a funny guy and think, "This guy's great! How can we get him to work for fifty bucks less next time?"

10:00 p.m.

Kirk has blown off almost a full day of editing work to hang with me today, so he needs to get back to his computer. But first we cruise the Strip a little, then grab a bite to eat at a really cool bowling alley he used be a bouncer for. The place is called Lucky Strike and is an upscale bar and eatery with some high tech bowling lanes at one end. Neon lights, video screens, killer mucic. This is not your average bowling alley in the suburbs.

As we eat our grub, Kirk tells me about the time Tom Cruise spent three hours playing pool with strangers then picked up the entire tab for everyone in the joint.
I suggest we hurry up and leave before somebody mistakes me for Tom Cruise.

11:30 p.m.

I pick up the Fun Dude Mobile at Kirk's place in Silver Lake and drive over to my friend Stanley Ullman's apartment in Valley Village. Stanley is nice enough to let me crash at his place. Although I have a lot of sightseeing to fit in tomorrow, I stay up with Stanley for a couple of hours drinking coffee and catching up.

The more we talk, the more we both think I need to say goodbye to being the Fun Dude and move to LA.

Man, I hope I can get to sleep tonight. I have a lot of worrying to do tomorrow so I want to be well rested.

Blog Ahoj!

Ladies and gentleman, may I have your attention please?! This blog is ready to set sail on its maiden voyage, so sit down, relax, order a pricey foo-foo drink in a souvenir cup, shove another piece of cake into your pie hole—or another slice of pie into your cake hole—and get ready for the cyber cruise of a lifetime!

My name is The Fun Dude and I’ll be your entertainment host for the next six-months. Why do they call me “The Fun Dude”?

Because I like to have fun, dude!

In fact, you can call me “Dr. Fun Dude,” because I’ve got a PhD in p-h-u-n: phun!

(And no, my mom did NOT drop me on my head as a baby!)

So it’s time to don your lifejackets, folks, and embark upon an amazing behind-the-scenes journey into the life of a hardworking, dedicated, personable, helpful, charming, witty, funny, resourceful, handsome and mildly delusional and obsessive-compulsive staff member onboard a 70,000-ton ocean liner (60,000 tons of which is food).

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to live and work on a cruise ship, then bookmark this blog and follow me as I entertain some 2,500 new guests every three to four days over my half-year contract as an activities director for America’s most fun and affordable cruise line. Tag along for the next six months as I give ship’s tours, call Bingo, host karaoke, run trivia contests, lead dance parties, sing with the band, judge talent contests, impersonate Cher, referee volley ball, free throw and mini-golf tournaments; make schedules, order supplies, perform tender duty (you’ll learn what that is later), eat too many carbohydrates, drink too much Czech beer, sleep too little, complain too much, miss my family, please demanding guests, humor overworked bosses, strangle snoring roommates, comfort homesick dancers, mule kick the malfunctioning washing machines in the crew laundry room, wander the back alleys of Mexico in search of cheap fish tacos and free high-speed Internet access, and have philosophical discussions on the latest season of “24” with coworkers who speak English as a fifth language.

But just because this blog will take an honest, humorous look at a tough job in a tough working environment and an even tougher living environment, this blog will NOT be an investigative report into the seedy underbelly of the cruise industry. The cruise line I work for— from hereon known as The Company—hires terrific people from all over the world who always give their best no matter how tired they are or how much they miss their loved ones back home, even though being exhausted and homesick is a small price to pay for working alongside the Fun Dude.

The Company respects its guests and offers incredible prices and incredible service. The Company cares for its employees and offers topnotch healthcare and room for advancement. So don’t expect me to badmouth The Company just because The Company makes me wear a daytime uniform that makes me look like a rogue Dominoes delivery boy, and a nighttime uniform that makes me look like a colorblind theater usher with a drinking problem, or makes me share an 8 X 10 cabin with a snoring, farting, “Austin Powers”-quoting 20-year-old man-child who doesn't quite grasp the concept of going to the bathroom with the door closed.

No, the simple purpose of this blog is to:
1) Help you understand what it's like to live and work on a cruise ship.
2) Make you think twice before yelling at your Costa Rican cabin steward because he left little tabs of butter on your pillow. (“Lo no es mantequilla, gringo loco, lo es chocolate!”)
3) Survive the next six months without jumping overboard.

It’s gonna be fun, folks.

Welcome aboard!